Things I Heard in Medical School: Volume 21

The secrets always stay in clinicals. #Nursing #NursingStudent

I’m back! I took a bit of a break from blogging to focus on exams and learning how to become a functioning member of society again. And now, I am officially a third year medical student! Though I don’t have any more formal lectures in a classroom, I still get to hear ridiculous things from doctors, nurses, residents, patients and anyone in between. If you are within 10 feet from me, chances are that I am listening to whatever ridiculous thing you are saying.

As my first week of rotations comes to an end, I wanted to recap my time with some of the things I heard in the halls of the hospital. So, without any more stalling, here is TIHIMS:  VOL 21!

“Patients are already asking me for directions. All I know is where the bathroom is. And even THAT is up for debate.”

“Oh they look really lost. Probably a third year.”

Patient: “Excuse me, I need some directions.” | Student: “Do you need to know where the bathroom is?” | Patient: “No…” | Student: “Then I can’t help you because that’s all I know.”

“I’ve been here for two hours and I am already second guessing my life choices.”

“Third year is going to change you. For the worst. So…. yeah.”

“Remember…. ED56.”

“Get your priorities straight! Cappuccino!”

Doctor: “Why do you guys keep calling me?!” | Nurse: “…. because you are on call.” | Doctor: “Oh….. damn it.”

Fourth Year Student: “We know you guys have no clue where anything is, so we are going to make you guys do a scavenger hunt all over the hospital!” | Third Year: “Can we like…. not?”

“Your white coats are too bright. Don’t worry, we will change that.”

“Please try not to knock out your patients teeth. I really don’t need another lawsuit.”

“I don’t want to start in OB/GYN. What if I drop the baby? Aren’t they slippery when they come out?”

“Looks like we got a squirter over here.”

“Don’t be afraid to be rough with your compressions during CPR. They are dead anyway.”

“They were doing a lap coli and the scope was pointed at a ligament in front of the liver and the surgeon asked the PA student what it was and she said ‘sartorious.’ WHAT THE F— HOW?! DID YOU NOT LEARN GEOGRAPHY?!”

“Why do we have so many different types of depression when all their treatments are the same? Because DSM and ICD are stupid.”

“These guys were in your shoes a year ago. And now, they are here to scare the crap out of you.”

“The scrub techs get shit on all day, so be prepared to be destroyed during surgery.”

Fourth Year Student 1: “You all can use this mannequin to practice.” | Fourth Year #2: “No, the doctors said this one is too expensive for them. Make them use the cheap one.”

“You put the Foley in WHAT? How are you still here?”

“Can we just appreciate how lost the new kids look?”

“The scrubs come out of vending machines?”

Doctor: “Just remember, someone is always watching you.” | Student: “Sounds like Big Brother up in here.”

Student 1: “I got a mosquito bite on my pinky.” | Student 2: “Oh well looks like we have to cut it off.”

“I’ve been here for a year and I still don’t know where anything is.”

“The field is sterile. I SAID THE FIELD IS STERILE! Great, now your patient is dead.”

Student 1: “I feel crazy. ” | Student 2: “Oh, crazy in a psych ward, that’s a new one.”

Doctor: “Why is there a 12-year-old in psych holding?” | Nurse: “Oh, the school sent him over because he shot a rubber band at someone with his hand.” | Doctor: “Please tell me you are joking.”

Student 1: “No one wants a 9-fingered surgeon!” | Student: “If the 10-fingered surgeon has a 90% complication rate and the 9-fingered surgeon has a 2% complication rate, I’m taking those 9 damn fingers.”

“Oh. A patient chased me with a shelf this morning and destroyed a computer, so nothing too crazy!”

Student: “Is there a map of the hospital online?” | Resident: “HA.”

“They are pressing charges on the guy because he stole candy?! THAT’S MILLIONS OF DOLLARS FOR A DUMB PIECE OF CANDY.”

Resident: “You need to do a 6 minute walk test. Do you know what that is?” | Student: “I’m assuming it has to do with walking for 6 minutes.” | Resident: “And now, you get more paperwork, smart ass.”

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