Things I Heard in Medical School: Volume 30

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Wow I’m back and I’m a fourth year now. What. WHAT. Back to your regularly scheduled posts! I hope… Here’s TIHIMS: Vol. 30! Theme of this week: surgery!

Attending: “She probably thinks I’m a f—ing idiot.” | Me: “You said it sir, not me.” | Attending: “Damn, she’s mean.”

Orthopedic Attending: “Ream motherf—er, reammmmm!” | Me: “Dear lord chill.”

Resident: “Sir, you just ripped the gall bladder in half…” | Attending: “No, that was the student!” | Me to myself: “Dude my hands are literally at the patient’s feet, how?!”

Resident: “Ortho is basically just a frat house.” | *other residents start stripping in middle of conference room* | Me internally: “Oh….. so this is what I missed in college.”

Attending: “I went to Duke.” | Me: “Oh I went to UNC!” | Attending: “Ah that’s unfortunate, but it explains a lot.” | *awkward silence for the next 2 hours*

Attending: “What is this organ?” | Me: “The gallbladder, sir.” | Attending: “HAHAHAHAHA. Yes, good job. Now catch!” | Me: “Wait what?!”

Resident: “I heard some gossip about your group.” | Me: “And you are telling me this why?” | Resident: “I heard your were a journalist and figured you had dirt.” | Me: “Oh boy do I!”

Resident: “I’m so glad I have you in this case! I love having friends in here!” | Me internally: “I met you two minutes ago lady slow down.”

Attending: “Can you stop moving the camera?” | Me: “Sir, the resident is literally holding my hand and moving it, I have no role in this.” | Resident: “Hehe you got in trouble!”

Resident: “Wow you did a better job than me in suturing this one up! I’m gonna tell the attending that I did your side.” | Me: “Just because you have the name of my sworn enemy in my namesake movie doesn’t mean you have to be in real life.”

Resident: “Hey little lady do you want to suture this up?” | Me: “Honestly, can I not?”

Resident: “Can you grab my beeper? It’s on my waistline.” | Me: “Sure.” | Nurse: “Why is the medical student grabbing at your crotch?!”

Attending: “Who else gives you lectures?” | Me: “Just you sir.” | Attending: “Duh because I’m the best.”

Me: “Can I go home now?” | Resident: “It’s only 2 hours into your call…” | Me: “Okay I’m going to ask again and let’s see if you say the right answer this time.”

Attending: “I’m not trying to be a dick. I mean, I have one, but I’m not a dick.” | Me: “Sir you could have just ended it with the first sentence.” | Scrub Tech: “Girllll.”

Resident: “Am I boring you?” | Me: “Do you want an honest answer or one to inflate your ego?”

Resident: “You want to come change these dressings with me?” | Me: “You ask as if I have a choice.”

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