Things I Heard in Medical School: Volume 32

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Fourth year means a lot of free time. A lot of free time means time to sleep and binge on Netflix. Which means I totally forgot to update this blog. I would say sorry, but I am not. I deserve that sleep! But anyway, I figured I would share the last segment of my surgery quotes (because yes, there was that much nonsense said during those 12 weeks). So here is Volume 32 of Things I Heard in Medical School!

Attending: “Young lady! Are you in my surgery today?” | Me internally: “No, I’m just standing here fully scrubbed in your OR for fun.”

Resident: “Dang that’s a sexy knee!” | Me: “Of all things, you pick the knee?”

Attending: “Don’t worry you don’t need a gown it’s just a tiny lipoma.” | *proceeds to splatter me with the patient’s blood for the next 10 minutes* | Nurse: “JESUS CHRIST WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE POOR STUDENT?!?!”

Intern: “He told me he has rectal bleeding. Rectal bleeding my ass.” | Chief Resident: “Yes, that’s where rectal bleeding comes from good job.”

Resident: “I don’t feel like seeing this lady today.” | Student: “So you don’t want me to go see her?” | Resident: ” I said I don’t feel like seeing her, that’s what you are for!”

Resident 1: “Are you choking him with a rectal tube?!” | Resident 2: “I mean, after its been used what else am I going to do with it?”

Chief Resident: “Can you please be on call with me again?” | Me: “As much as I enjoyed spending time with you….. it’s a no from me chief.”

Resident: “Why aren’t we running the whole bowel?” | Attending: “Are you seriously trying to pimp me right now?”

Chief resident: “I heard you have gossip.” | Me: “I heard you can dismiss me.” | Chief: “Okay, let’s make a deal.”

Attending: “Can you retract right here?” | Me: *reaches for retractor* | Attending: “Oh no, with your little hands! They fit perfectly here!”

Attending: “F–k dude!” | Chief: “Did I do something wrong?” | Attending: “Nahhhh.”

“I can’t trust a man that has the same glove size as me. Such tiny hands…”

Anesthesia Resident: “You know, I was supposed to have the day off. But I got called in to do this dumb ex lap. It’s fine. Totally fine. I’m so glad to be here in the cold on my day off.” | Me: “Um…. your boss is literally right behind you.” | Resident: “Oh crap.”

Attending: “Dude, why didn’t you scrub into my surgery?” | Me: “Oh, because two other students were already signed up.” | Attending: “Who cares, I like an audience.”  *winks*

Attending: “Why the f–k are you holding the camera like that?! What are you, a f—ing intern?” | Intern: “……. um…… yes?” | Attending: “Oh…. still unacceptable!”

Me: “Do you mind if I scrub into your procedure today?” | Attending: “I don’t care do whatever you want.”

Resident: “Where is the rest of your team?” | Me: “Hell if I know. I’ve been the only one here all week.”

Intern: “Hey come with me to go check on this baby.” | Me: “I’m not even on your team this week.” | Intern: “I have all the power so you have to come!” | Me: “Actually you have no power and I am going to start walking away now so byeeeee!”

Anesthesia Resident: “You’re going to intubate this patient.” | Me: “Ha, you got jokes.” | *resident stares with a serious look* | Me: “Oh…. you aren’t joking…..”

Chief resident: “You wanna go see my next patient for me?” | Me: “So I can see another post-op hernia repair? Yeah no.” | Chief: “But our patient’s name is Aladdin!” |Me: “I hate you.”

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