Things I Heard in Medical School: Volume 33 – The Finale

Yes. You read that right. This marks the last “Things I’ve Heard in Medical School” post. Why? Because I am done with medical school!

Image result for coronavirus jokes

Okay. Not completely true.

Because of my good friend, the coronavirus, I get to finish the rest of my clinical training online from the comfort of my home and with my dog. Life is great. Except for the lack of toilet paper and common sense. Besides that… yes. This will be the last TIHIMS. But that doesn’t mean that this will be the end of the fun quotes and jokes!  Thank you to everyone who has enjoyed these posts and shared them and kept asking me to post more — this last one is for you!

Student 1: “You know a lot of white parents tell their kids that chocolate milk comes from chocolate cows?” | Student 2: “What if it were the same for humans?” | Student 1: “….. wait. Oh. OH. NO!”

Patient: “Hey did you see about the Hep C?” | Resident: “Yeah! We know you have it.” | Patient: “WHAT?!” | Resident: “Oh gosh you didn’t know….”

Patient: “Can I just have a little sex?” | Me and Fellow internally: “…………..” | Fellow: “Ma’am you have cervical cancer and you already complained about bleeding I don’t think it is wise…” | Patient: “Okay but what if it’s just the tip?” | Fellow: “Ma’am you can do whatever you want.” | *Patient proceeds to fist bump me as my fellow watches in horror.*

Senior Resident: “Why is she high risk?” | Junior Resident: “Drugs, depression, anxiety, more drugs. Honestly just the drugs.”

Resident: “The baby has a lot of hair!” | Husband: “But I’m bald.” | Mother: “Well then let’s hope it has my brains too.”

“Puja all your troubles away! It’s the cornerstone of life. You push your trouble away. You push your baby down. You push your poop out!”

Resident: “Can you give me the easier one to do first?” | Nurse: “Honey I don’t know which one has a bigger penis because honestly they are both tiny.”

“I need to get these warts off because I feel bad that I haven’t been able to service my fiance. You know a girl gotta do what she has to do! He already took the ring back!”

Me: “We repaired the labial laceration down in the ED.” | Attending: “Someone needs to tell her boyfriend to actually hit the hole next time.” | Me: “I’ll make sure we add that in the discharge instructions.”

“We are going to talk about voiding dysfunction in women. Oh I just get so excited when we talk about dribbling and leaking!”

“We all have urinary urgency and incontinence. Well… wait… I mean I’m not saying I do. I just mean in general. But I mean yeah if I drink a lot of coffee I can have some urge. Okay nevermind”

Patient: “Why is nothing getting done I can’t believe this?” | Resident: “Because you keep refusing everything.” | Patient: “Okay… I’m not racist… but I want a white nurse.” | Me: *I’ll just see myself out now*

“Wait she knows she has a previa and still had sex? And she is confused as to why she is here? And she wants to go home right now?! HA!”

Resident: “She said the pain is on the inside of her belly.” | Attending: “Well no shit she had a c-section. Where else is it supposed to be, in her head?”

While this may be the last Things I Heard in Medical School post, I promise I have more to come! Starting with “Things I Heard on the Interview Trail.” Thanks for reading and following along!

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