Have I told you all that I hate pediatrics? Well. I do. And here are some quotes from my time there to prove it, with some adult medicine sprinkled in between. Hope you enjoy Volume 6 of Things I Heard in Residency!

Intern 1: “How did your night go?”| Intern 2: “I mean, besides the fully competent 13-year-old threatening to pee on me, it was great.”

“This kid has literally no complaints. Buttttt, the little dangly thing in the back of his throat was a tad swollen.”

Resident: “I’m going to need you to get off your boyfriend’s lap and sign these forms.” | Attending: “You are such a buzz kill you know that?”

Intern 1: “Oh my God guys I finally felt an enlarged spleen!” | Intern 2: “THAT’S NOT FAIR!”

“Whatever you do, just don’t drop the baby!”

“Honestly, dead penis guy and vagina maggots are made for each other.”

“Testosterone has no purpose other than making horny old men feel less crappy.”

Attending: “You just gotta push his pasty little ass to the side!”| Senior: “Hey who are you calling pasty?!” | Attending: “I would like to clarify that I have never seen his ass so who knows, many it’s pretty tan.” | Me: “How did I get here?”

Intern: “Do we need solution for this wet mount?” | Senior: “Nah, she’s juicy enough.”

Nurse: “The patient is having an outbreak.”| Resident: “Ok um… outbreak of emotion? Herpes? COVID?”

Attending: “Once you touch a patient, they’re yours.”| Intern: “Is there a return policy?”

“I thought I would have to go digging, but luckily she didn’t make me grab his testicles!”

“I had a pregnant lady who had chlamydia and we treated it. And then she got it again. And again. And she keeps asking why she keeps getting it. Umm… I don’t know, because your boyfriend is an ass.”

Intern 1: “Can you prescribe me some amphetamines so I can study?” | Intern 2: “I mean I feel like you can get it cheaper on the side of the road over there.”

“I mean some people like to get dominated. Heck I know I would enjoy it.”

Nurse: “How’s the uterus gonna come out of that tiny hole??” | Resident: “The same way babies do…” | Nurse: “Oh I guess that’s true.”

Senior: “Oh no, I’m going to need you to sound more confident. Where’s that BDE?” | Intern: “Excuse me?”| Senior: “Big dick energy man!”

Attending: “Look at this! She’s sitting at the feet of her master.” | Senior: “If only she would actually call me that.”| Attending: “I knew when we hired her she was going to be difficult.” | Me: “I hate both of you.”

Intern: “Can you spin me?” | Attending: “I feel that can be misconstrued as something sexual… hehehe.”| Intern: “You just have to ruin everything don’t you?”

“Just shove your hand in there and rip the baby out!”

“You need to be more loosey goosey with this insulin.”

Resident: “Oh, also the mom said one kid is behind on vaccines but doesn’t know which one.” | Attending: “Social work consult now!”

Intern: “Is it ok to make a baby DNR?”| Senior: “I mean… how much of a baby is there?”

Patient’s mom: “I thought my husband had a black head and so I tried to squeeze it and then it popped and the fluid went in my eye and now I have herpes.”| Resident: “Fake news!”

Attending: “She found a mosquito in his ear!”| Intern: “Excuse me you did what?!”

Intern: “Can we do central lines on peds?” | Senior: “Why are you always looking for a way to stab people?”

Intern: “How did your son sleep last night?”| Patient’s mom: “Oh I slept great! I passed out! | Intern: “…. MA’AM.”

“She’s giving me that drug addict/hot mess vibe, but she has too many teeth for meth.”