While I continue to drag my feet through pediatrics (also please don’t ask me how pediatrics is going… my answer will not be pretty), I figured the least I could do is post another set of silly quotes from adult inpatient medicine! Can you guess who is who? Here’s Things I Heard Residency: Volume 5!

“Yank that vanc!”

“I’m really sorry about your little peen!”

Intern 1: “Blood was expressed from the uterus. And it was a bloody good show!” | Intern 2: “You could have just stopped after the first sentence.”

“I watched a lot of porn and got a DVT.”

Attending: “What medication will give you a false positive nitrite on your UA?” | Intern: “One that is nitrite based! | Attending: “Oh you are full of shit you know better!”

Intern 1: “Do you like PO?” | Intern 2: “Yeah, I like oral.” |Intern 3: “Oh, I bet you do.”

Resident 1: “They thought her blood sugar was low and so they just gave her a soda. It’s over 700. They know she has bad diabetes!”| Resident 2: “What the hell is wrong with this family?! This is why I believe in sterilization.”

Resident 1: “I don’t know what to do, but his scalp is sloughing off. | Resident 2: “Well please don’t peal too much off because you will see his brain.” | Resident 1: “Yeah… I thought about draining it, but that would be an incision & lobectomy and I don’t think we get signed off on that.” | Resident 2: “…… excuse me?!”

Intern: “I don’t get how anyone would let their penis get necrotic.” | Senior: “You will learn to stop having such high expectations eventually.”

Intern 1: “The placenta took the express route out! I mean, it only took 4 minutes after the delivery. So yeah, I would say it was express!” | Intern 2: “Why are you the way you are?”

“I tell all my patients to buy medical-grade silicone dildos. Because once I had a patient who ordered one of those weird ones and she basically destroyed her vagina. Can’t have that!”

“I had to look at this man’s penis and I really didn’t want to look at his penis, but I had to look at his penis. So I went to look at his penis and I lifted up the covers and the covers were wet and I just yelled SIR! He done peed all over the bed and didn’t warn me knowing full well I was going straight for his penis!”

Intern 1: “I’m assuming the anus is patent.” | Intern 2: “Didn’t you just say there was meconium stained fluid…?”| Intern 1: “OH MY GOD THAT’S RIGHT SHE DOES HAVE A PATENT ANUS!!!”

“I don’t know which is worse? Vagina maggots or cutting up your own vagina with a box cutter.”

Resident 1: “He may have suctioned himself a bit too aggressively because now there’s blood in there.”| Resident 2: “Did he hit that little dangly thing that swing in the back of his throat?”

“You have to respect the kitty.”

Resident 1: “What the hell is a dignishield?”| “Resident 2: “Isn’t that just a Foley for your asshole?”

“Okay, I’m gonna stop dicking around and correct this motherf—king sodium.”

Senior: “How’s intern year going?”| Intern: “Well, when my attending asked what they could do for my mental health, I asked if they could just put a bullet through my head.”

“She told me she finally used a condom. Which I said was good. But then she said it was a chocolate condom. And so then I said no good!”

Resident 1: “It looked like someone was nibbling on his scrotum!” | Resident 2: “Oh my god thank you for reminding me! I forgot to consult wound care for those balls!”