Things I Heard in Residency: Volume 7

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New year, same medical nonsense. Here’s Things I Heard in Residency: Volume 7!

Intern: “Does foreskin have the potential to grow? I mean I haven’t had any growth in over 20 years…” | *Three male seniors looking down and actually thinking for a long time* | Senior: “Maybe it grows along the rod!”

Male attending: “You women don’t understand. It’s sensitive area for us!” | Female Attending: “Trust me, we really do appreciate penises.”

Resident 1: “Today has been a long week.” | Resident 2: “Clearly.”

Nurse: “Hello!”| Resident 1: “Good morning! Oh gosh no I mean evening, I mean ughhh.” | Resident 2: “Please just stop talking.”

Medical Student; “I think you guys should go in front of me.” | Resident: “Why? Do you not know how to order food?”

Resident 1: “I’m just going to grind all these pills together and put it into their jello.” | Resident 2: “No no, we can make a heart failure shake! And we can add vodka for some extra cardiomyopathy!”

“Sigmoidoscopy, ugh. If you are gonna stick a tube up my butt, you might as well look at the whole thing!”

“What’s my NNC? Number needed to colonoscopize someone?”

Attending: “I was talking to an Indian doctor and he said they don’t usually have colon cancer in India because they are mostly vegetarian. But then I told him there was a study that showed vegetarianism has increased risk of colon cancer.” | Me: “Okay well then I’m screwed.”

Patient: “Piece of shit I hate Viagra!” | Resident: “Does that mean I can stop prescribing it?” | Patient: “Oh no no I still want my happy pills.”

Resident 1: “I mean I’m just looking at penises all day now.” | Resident 2: “Ummm…. oh wait he’s on newborn. Got it.” | Resident 1: “I mean I have mine too.” | Resident 2: “I hope that’s the only one you’ve interacted with.”

Resident 1: “Lube me up.” | Resident 2: “Yeah you’re gonna need it because it’s a big willie!”

“I’m gonna need you to sign these papers so I can bounce your cervix.”

“It sounds like he is having a muscle spasm. He can try doing massages. He can even add that to his love making ritual.”

Resident 1: “Do you know what the gluck gluck 9000 is?” | Resident 2: “Um sir this is the pediatrics floor.”

“Covid. An introverts wet dream.”

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