Things I Heard in Residency: Volume 8

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It’s second year! I actually have free weekends and time to cook and be a human. And clearly not keep up with this blog. Here’s Things I Heard in Residency: Volume 8!

“If you can hear hoofbeats, that means you missed your dose of Haldol.”

“I like them little, but I also like them really thick…. wait that sounds bad.”

“So I had to tell one of my patients that he has cancer. Worst birthday present for him ever, am I right?”

“Why did I even decide to become a doctor? I could be selling feet pics on Only Fans making bank.”

“You have until you are 38 until they are all trisomies.”

“She said she had some discharge, but I was not prepared to have it running down her legs.”

Resident 1: “I had a lady who said she just had sex and I had to do a pap smear and when I looked at the wet mount she had fern, trichomonas and sperm.” | Resident 2: “Were they all chasing each other?”

Intern: “Ok listen here motherf–kers!” | Resident: “Excuse me?”

“His penis looked like a sea cucumber, it was so swollen up in there!”

Resident 1: “If nothing good comes out of this COVID vaccine, at least I may have just been sterilized.” | Resident 2: “Honestly, that may not be a bad thing.”

“That coffee place better not be closed, I don’t have enough oxygen to walk all the way over for it to be closed.”

Night float resident: “So, y’all discharged him with a feeding tube…. yeah it’s not there anymore. And they have been feeding him.” | Day team: “One, how do you lose a feeding tube? And two, for the love of God, please tell me they weren’t feeding them through the open hole.”

Attending: “Can you look at me sir?” | Patient: “Well… I’m blind.” | Attending: “Oh God.”

“He has a lot of bugs growing up in that butt.”

“I rather be spit on by a patient than get kissed by one.”

Intern: “So… she pulled out her Foley.” | Senior: “Ughhh, why don’t they restrain her little ass.”

“I mean he needs BiPAP, but I didn’t want to shove air in him and spread those mash potatoes around.”

“Her NG tube migrated. It went north for the winter. North and out of her body.”

“I’ve seen more vaginas on my inpatient rotation than on OB.”

Attending: “It’s a 90-year-old with shortness of breath and the X-RAY showed consolidation….. It’s a duck! DROP THE DUCK! QUACK QUACK QUACK!” | Resident: “And he’s officially lost it.”

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