Nurse: “Oh, the patient was fluid overloaded so I canceled his dialysis.” | Attending: “… You. Did. WHAT?!?!”

“She was hoarding her medication like a chipmunk!”

“You guys are just students so I can’t say anything but he’s a third year I’m allowed to beat him up.”

“You guys aren’t good for anything.”

Resident: “When was the last time you had sex?” | Patient: “Oh I last a long time. | Resident: “Sir that is great but really unneeded information.”

“I was doing a pelvic exam and it was my first time and my fingers were in. But I didn’t know what I was looking for or what to look at. So I was scanning the room and then made eye contact with the patient. Don’t do that.”

“She is being so cooperative and kind by yelling at nurses and not taking her medication. I don’t understand why they don’t want her back??”

Attending 1: “Our patient doesn’t have a place to go. She can stay with you!” | Attending 2: “I have a boyfriend.”

Patient: “You are Hispanic right? You can speak Spanish?” | Me: “Sir I am just brown.”

Attending: “Ma’am.  I have over 35 years of experience. Trust me. This is good practice.” | Patient’s daughter: “EXCUSE ME??”

“But where you eye level with the ass crack?”

Resident 1: “Please tell me you used only one finger.” | Resident 2: “Oh yeah. I started with one. The second slipped in later.”

“Who decided to put the poor lady who can’t move into an acute rehab center? Whoever they are aren’t good organ donors because they are already brain dead.”

“This patient is the gift that keeps on giving.”

Patient: “You don’t speak Spanish? You should learn to appreciate your culture and language.” Me: “…. My family. From India.”

Patient: “Oh, I don’t speak English.” | Me (in my head): So were we just speaking French for the last 10 minutes?!”

“Your assignment is to send me a video on how to do your hair style.”

Attending: “Holy shit!” | Resident: “What happened???” | Attending: “The laptop is working!”

“Don’t be like a fish and grab the first shiny thing you see. Because then you will end up in a can of tuna.”

“Oh. She died from cardiopulmonary arrest. Well no shit! We all stop breathing and our heart stops when we die.”

“Your physical exam skills are crap. All of you.”

“Females have higher D-dimers than males. We all know why right? ….. Never mind.”

“This guy decided to cath a 101-year-old lady. I want to beat him up, run him over with my car, put him in a wood chipper and then burn whatever is left of him.”

“You have five senses. Please don’t taste the patient.”

“You guys are so stupid. You really are.”