I just finished my second week of residency! Well, the second week of orientation. And let me tell you, I am way more disoriented than ever. But I’m happy because I am at my absolute dream program! I am blessed to have matched at my top choice for family medicine. And I am even more blessed to be with the class that I am with! Not only are they so kind, funny and caring, but they are also providing me with great content to write about. All have been warned — so I bring to you: Things I Heard in Residency: Volume 1.

Intern 1: “You’re not getting my scissors.” | Intern 2: “That’s okay. I sharpen my canines every night!”

“I think I did a great job. I mean, if that were MY perineum, I would be happy with it.”

Intern 1: ” I came in married and I want to leave married.” | Intern 2: “To the same person…. or…?”

“I guess I’m just the unassuming domineering type. Y’all better have your safe words ready.”

“Penises and testicles are my weakness!”

Intern 1: “I had this older female patient and I just could not arouse her!” | Intern 2: “May want to rephrase that dude.”

Intern 1: “Wait… did you just say you have a Thomas Jefferson fetish?” | Intern 2: “Yes. Wait no no no!”

Intern 1: “I want to be on an island with cats and a pool!” | Intern 2: “… but you’re on an island….”

Attending: “You all know if a woman is over 35 it is considered advanced maternal age?” | Intern: “You could call it a geriatric pregnancy!” | Attending: “And that is how you get punched out.”

Attending 1: “I’m not touching the girls.” | Attending 2: “….Because that would be…. unprofessional. And illegal.”

“If you put your finger in and it goes into a butthole, then you know it’s breech.”

“I feel bad you all are getting butt burn from sitting all day. But I’m just going to make you sit all day tomorrow too.”

Intern 1: “I’m an open book. You just gotta read me. Go ahead, ask me anything!” | Intern 2: “What’s your social security number?” | Intern 1: “Okay maybe not that open.”

“You’re gonna find yourself wanting to throw the call phone. It’s okay, you can. They’re really sturdy!”

“The patient had two big babies so the passage has been well….. plowed.”

Intern 1: “Well now you have ice cream dripping down your body.” | Intern 2: “That’s okay. I’ll lick that right off!”

“Don’t do anything dumb, illegal or immoral. And just do what I tell you to do.”