The good thing about my residency program is that I am getting such great training. But more importantly, I get quotes like these! Hope you enjoy Things I Heard in Residency: Volume 4!

“Patients don’t have to live with their fingertips, but we certainly don’t want them too!”

“Get down on your hands and knees and smell that bug! It’s raping my olfactory nerves!”

Intern: “No one likes big fingers up in there.” | Senior: “Well I meannnnn, half the population really enjoys mine hehehe.”

“She’s getting violated from both ends today.”

“We have a code brown!”

“I wish the mom wouldn’t procreate so much because all her kids are weird.”

“I wanted to see what blood tastes like and so I cut my finger and smeared the blood on an Oreo and ate it. Not impressed.”

EMT: “So this guy had a “seizure” and he says he was driving and spaced out and he just looks real loopy in there.” | Attending: “Okay, so he’s on drugs. Got it.”

Intern: “I’m gonna need you to stop calling me sweetheart.” |Patient: “Oh okay sugar cakes.”

“I think we need to invest in those suicide pods. We can do a buy one get one 50 percent off for a friend!”

“Thank you for not being helpful. I’ll figure out what to sprinkle on his balls.”

Legal Form: “Write a brief statement for why you wish to work in South Carolina.” | Resident: “…. I am from SC. I currently live in SC. I don’t want to move. How pointless is this?!”

“Chief complaint: I f**ked up.”

“I had a primitive need to sow my seed.”

“Ma’am, you don’t need to call the ER to let us know you are coming. You come back here every week.”

Senior: “How’s service?” | Intern: “Other than feeling like I’m constantly dead inside, it’s great.”

“I’m fatigued.”

Resident 1: “So should I expect for him to pop up some time tonight or probably not?” | Resident 2: “Oh he’s gonna show up, his balls hurt. Also please don’t go and see his balls.”

Resident 1: “Can we all just get along?” | Resident 2: “Absolutely not.”

Resident 1: “I mean, I know the human rectum can expand out a lot, but damn.” |Resident 2: “…. okay are you speaking from personal experience or?”

“You have to give them the birth control while you have them captive!”

Resident: “How do you strengthen cranial nerve 12?” | Attending: “There is a way to, but it wouldn’t be polite to say that in mixed company.”

Resident: “It’s not like you’re giving a non-consented hysterectomy.” | Me: “Well you could do that too since you’re already in there…”